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My second marriage became deeply dysfunctional.
Day-to-day life was filled with disconnection, anger, and unmet needs. It felt toxic. Every day carried a sense of tension—like I never knew when the next conflict would erupt. Peace was rare.
Whenever a need came up—mine or hers—any attempt to express it would immediately turn into conflict. One of the last relationship counselors we saw described our dynamic perfectly: “continuous rebuttal.”
No matter what one of us said, the response was always: “Yeah, but…”
There was no listening. No reflection. No attempt to understand. Just immediate opposition.
There was no safety.
There were nights I slept on the couch—and even that didn’t feel safe. Eventually, I started sleeping in the garage, where I could lock the door. Sometimes I slept in my car.
That’s how bad it got.
By the end, I couldn’t wait to get out. I didn’t care where I went—I just knew I couldn’t spend another day in that environment.
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(See the bottom of this post for the Video version of Chapter 2)
In two of my relationships, I experienced unwanted breakups. Both were devastating to my self-esteem, my sense of worth, and my feeling of being lovable.
All the stories came rushing in: I’m not good enough. I must not be lovable. Something must be wrong with me. I must be flawed, broken, damaged.
And when it happens more than once, those stories get louder.
Then you add in all the other relationships that didn’t work out—the ones where I “picked the wrong person,” or things just fell apart—and it all stacks together. On top of that, you layer childhood experiences, and suddenly it becomes a heavy, persistent internal dialogue.
I’m not good enough. No one could love me. No one would want this.
Sometimes those messages were even reinforced directly in relationships: “No woman could accept this.” “You’re not giving what a woman needs.” “You don’t have what it takes.”
Whether spoken outright or implied, it lands hard.
Because it’s not like I wasn’t trying. I was giving my best effort. And when your best effort still ends in rejection—sometimes painfully, even with betrayal—it cuts deep. It feels like a knife to the chest.
So the real question becomes...
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(See the bottom of this post for the Video version of the Introduction and Chapter 1)
This is the “Feel Better” chapter.
After my first wife put on her shoes, said she couldn’t do this anymore, and then literally walked out of my life—out of the house, gone for good—I was devastated. I felt horrible. I was heartbroken, shattered, and desperate. All I knew was that I needed help.
The first thing I did was send an email to a handful of my closest friends—maybe four or five of them. I said, “I’m devastated. I’m depressed. I’m desperate. I’ve been crying every day. I’m miserable. I don’t know what to do. I just need help.”
One of my friends wrote back and said, “Hey, I know this guy. He’s eccentric, but he’s a caring dude.”
That was all I needed to hear.
Up until then, the advice I’d heard from friends sounded terrible. It felt like they didn’t know what they were doing. I was in such a state of desperation. I didn’t know how I had gotten myself into this mess. I had no clue what to do next, or how to keep it from happening again in the future. I wanted someone who knew what they were doing—someone who had been in my shoes and made it through.
So I called the guy right away. He said, “I can fit you in in about a week.”
I said, “Do you have anything sooner? Like… tomorrow?”
And he did.
I went, and I remember thinking, Oh my God, did I make a mistake? Who is this guy? Eccentric was definitely the word. He was so far outside my comfort zone. And yet I went. I sat there. He mostly just listened. He asked me a few questions, but mostly he listened.
And from the way he listened—and from a few of the things he said—I knew he had been in my shoes before, and that he had gotten through it. That was enough for me...
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After a gorgeous, fun day at the lake with a few families, we tried out a new local restaurant. One of the dads mentioned that he couldn’t share food because they’re vegetarian. My wife turned to him and said something like, “My husband doesn’t really understand vegetarianism.” She then asked him why they don’t eat meat.
Internally, I could feel my ego fire up—my inner lawyer preparing for battle. I started silently picking apart his logic, spotting inconsistencies, finding hypocrisy, building a case for why his choices were wrong.
But I caught myself.
Because honestly, what are the chances that me arguing would lead to him saying: “Oh wow, I’ve been such a fool. I’ll start eating meat immediately—thank you so much for educating me!”
About the same odds as him convincing me to stop eating meat right then and there.
Later that evening, I remembered a core principle I’ve learned…
The Flying Lierus Audiobook with video is available below on this page, join now to listen and or watch, this audiobook is also included with the Tools Course.
Chapter 3: Jaded, Bitter, Resentful
