(See the bottom of this post for the Video version of Chapter 8)
If someone does something that would normally be called abusive, but I don’t experience it as abuse—if it doesn’t land that way in my body, if it doesn’t take something from me, if it has no harmful effect—then that matters.
So when I try to define abuse, I start with impact.
People behave badly all the time. Sometimes it’s clearly abuse. Sometimes everyone agrees. Sometimes even the person doing it would admit it.
But for me, the first and most reliable indicator is...
Breakup Is the Beginning Membership Required
You must be a Breakup Is the Beginning member to access this content.
(See the bottom of this post for the Video version of Chapter 7)
This chapter is about questioning what we’re told is certain.
Not from a place of rebellion for the sake of rebellion—but from observing cracks in systems that are presented as flawless.
When “Foolproof” Fails
There’s a case that should make anyone pause...a parent applied for public assistance and was required to take a DNA test. The results came back saying their children were not theirs...and then they were accused of fraud...
Breakup Is the Beginning Membership Required
You must be a Breakup Is the Beginning member to access this content.
(See the bottom of this post for the Video version of Chapter 6)
This chapter is going to challenge a lot of what people believe.
I’m not asking you to blindly agree with me. I’m asking you to look for yourself.
There are many examples throughout history where symptoms were real—but the explanation was wrong. Scurvy, beriberi, pellagra, Minamata… all cases where people blamed the wrong cause before eventually discovering something entirely different.
Symptoms are real.
But the story about what causes them? That’s where I began to question everything...
Breakup Is the Beginning Membership Required
You must be a Breakup Is the Beginning member to access this content.
(See the bottom of this post for the Video version of Chapter 5)
The way I do this is simple: I make two lists...The first list matters because it reminds me that the relationship was not a total waste...The second list is...That’s where I mine the gold...The point is to learn from it, so I’m more likely to create the outcome I want next time—and less likely to repeat what hurt me...
Breakup Is the Beginning Membership Required
You must be a Breakup Is the Beginning member to access this content.
(See the bottom of this post for the Video version of Chapter 4)
My mentor reminded me right away to put my attention, effort, and focus on my purpose—my mission.
In the past, he would say things like, “Up your spiritual practice.” But for me, purpose is the highest spiritual practice. Mission is spiritual practice. Calling is spiritual practice.
The reason it helps me—and the reason it’s helping me now—is this:
Breakup Is the Beginning Membership Required
You must be a Breakup Is the Beginning member to access this content.
(See the bottom of this post for the Video version of Chapter 3)
My second marriage became deeply dysfunctional.
Day-to-day life was filled with disconnection, anger, and unmet needs. It felt toxic. Every day carried a sense of tension—like I never knew when the next conflict would erupt. Peace was rare.
Whenever a need came up—mine or hers—any attempt to express it would immediately turn into conflict. One of the last relationship counselors we saw described our dynamic perfectly: “continuous rebuttal.”
No matter what one of us said, the response was always: “Yeah, but…”
There was no listening. No reflection. No attempt to understand. Just immediate opposition.
There was no safety.
There were nights I slept on the couch—and even that didn’t feel safe. Eventually, I started sleeping in the garage, where I could lock the door. Sometimes I slept in my car.
That’s how bad it got.
By the end, I couldn’t wait to get out. I didn’t care where I went—I just knew I couldn’t spend another day in that environment.
Breakup Is the Beginning Membership Required
You must be a Breakup Is the Beginning member to access this content.
Chapter 8: What Is Abuse?
