(See the bottom of this post for the Video version of Chapter 2)
In two of my relationships, I experienced unwanted breakups. Both were devastating to my self-esteem, my sense of worth, and my feeling of being lovable.
All the stories came rushing in: I’m not good enough. I must not be lovable. Something must be wrong with me. I must be flawed, broken, damaged.
And when it happens more than once, those stories get louder.
Then you add in all the other relationships that didn’t work out—the ones where I “picked the wrong person,” or things just fell apart—and it all stacks together. On top of that, you layer childhood experiences, and suddenly it becomes a heavy, persistent internal dialogue.
I’m not good enough. No one could love me. No one would want this.
Sometimes those messages were even reinforced directly in relationships: “No woman could accept this.” “You’re not giving what a woman needs.” “You don’t have what it takes.”
Whether spoken outright or implied, it lands hard.
Because it’s not like I wasn’t trying. I was giving my best effort. And when your best effort still ends in rejection—sometimes painfully, even with betrayal—it cuts deep. It feels like a knife to the chest.
So the real question becomes...
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After my first wife put on her shoes, said she couldn’t do this anymore, and then literally walked out of my life—out of the house, gone for good—I was devastated. I felt horrible. I was heartbroken, shattered, and desperate. All I knew was that I needed help.
The first thing I did was send an email to a handful of my closest friends—maybe four or five of them. I said, “I’m devastated. I’m depressed. I’m desperate. I’ve been crying every day. I’m miserable. I don’t know what to do. I just need help.”
One of my friends wrote back and said, “Hey, I know this guy. He’s eccentric, but he’s a caring dude.”
That was all I needed to hear.
Up until then, the advice I’d heard from friends sounded terrible. It felt like they didn’t know what they were doing. I was in such a state of desperation. I didn’t know how I had gotten myself into this mess. I had no clue what to do next, or how to keep it from happening again in the future. I wanted someone who knew what they were doing—someone who had been in my shoes and made it through.
So I called the guy right away. He said, “I can fit you in in about a week.”
I said, “Do you have anything sooner? Like… tomorrow?”
And he did.
I went, and I remember thinking, Oh my God, did I make a mistake? Who is this guy? Eccentric was definitely the word. He was so far outside my comfort zone. And yet I went. I sat there. He mostly just listened. He asked me a few questions, but mostly he listened.
And from the way he listened—and from a few of the things he said—I knew he had been in my shoes before, and that he had gotten through it. That was enough for me...
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This past month I have been riding waves of fear and anxiety, I got cracked open or activated, and old stories about going broke and being left to starve alone in the streets came pouring out. At the root of these feelings is a fear that I'm not good enough or unlovable. Am I born in the wrong time period, stuck in the shame and despair of being useless, a slave to drudgerous meaningless work that has no purpose, no passion, no future?
https://youtu.be/n2KGTc607JE?si=o9-8ZlxHpxtrTePq
Like a sneaker set the waves comes out of nowhere, the horizon goes dark, and my first impulse is to paddle like my life depends on it and get out of there, far far away and don't look back! This strategy can work in the ocean, but I see these thoughts and feelings are inside me, and wherever I might escape to I will bring these fears and anxiety with me.
Thankfully I have magical, practical, quick and easy tools I can use that gently steer me from panic to calm in minutes. I used a biofeedback app to track my stress and energy before and after these calming practices. My numbers improved significantly immediately and repeatedly, that's Latin for they just work, and work incredibly well! I could feel the difference, I went from freaking out and thinking I'm doomed to feeling calm and at ease, blissing out within minutes. That chaotic antsy horrible feeling passed and I felt relaxed and even excited. I can do anything, I am powerful, my value is infinite! What amazingness will I create today?!?!
I am so so grateful that I have these tools. I have weathered these storms before without any tools, resources, nor guidance, and that sucked big time. Even when the storm passed and I felt better, I was still afraid another panic attack would come out of nowhere and overwhelm me, I was lacking the understanding of how my mind and body work and what to do, basically confused and alone. My prayer is that these tools help and heal anyone who is in that dark place. Reach out, I'm here, love and support are here, you me we I are valuable, needed, and welcome.
How we ask or don't ask for what we need can make all the difference, there's that saying we get more bees with honey than vinegar. Even more effective than being sweet is being vulnerable, letting people see our struggle, pain, and suffering invites a natural empathetic response (this works with mature people, in the video I talk about a way to deal with immature or triggered reactions).
In this video I talk about the when, what, where, and how of communicating in a way that gets more of our needs met:
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Affirm - 1: validate, confirm.
b: to state positively.
2: to assert (something, such as a decree) as valid or confirmed.
3: to show or express a strong belief in or dedication to something.
Affirmations are saying or repeating statements that do all of the above.
Here on this page I made 3 affirmations videos to affirm what we want in our foiling, and the foiler we want to be.
Also additional ultra powerful affirmation videos for Jibes and Tacks.
PLUS I reveal the SECRET to affirmations:
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Seems the above statement should be a question until we get clear on what it means to be an expert.
I remember hearing a formula for so many hours of practice at a specific activity and then one becomes an expert. Where the weeds get thick is when this activity gets a label which implies one thing but in practice is nowhere near what’s been promised. One example that the internet loves to poke fun at is martial arts, when someone gets labeled a grand master black belt but their particular art is deemed ineffective in the street or in MMA, often dubbed Bullshido.
How to discern who is an expert? Are credentials essential? Does it matter who the credentialing organization is or who funds them? What’s the lay person’s litmus test?
The Tools For Surfing The Waves of Life course gives us the foundation to discern and decide what’s most likely true and the best decision we can make.
In the below video I explain the modern way one can become an expert:
Chapter 2: Self-Esteem
How we ask or don't ask for what we need can make all the difference, there's that saying we get more bees with honey than vinegar. Even more effective than being sweet is being vulnerable, letting people see our struggle, pain, and suffering invites a natural empathetic response (this works with mature people, in the video I talk about a way to deal with immature or triggered reactions).
Affirm - 1: validate, confirm.
How to become an expert.
