RRR – Relationship Repair and Reconnect
Learn to repair and reconnect our relationship when we get into a fight or something happens that we are struggling to get over. Feel that lovey dovey close connection again, feel safe, restore trust, and grow into each other. Here I share techniques, practices, tools that help us build the relationship we want.
After cluelessly flailing in my first marriage I wanted to know what happened and how I could avoid that pain, and cocreate the relationship I have always believed is possible. So I reached out for help, I was ready to be a student and the teachers appeared. I have trail by fire tested these tools and practices over the past decade and I guarantee they work. I am in the relationship of my dreams and we are cocreating the ship we both always dream of. The more we use these tools and do these practices the more intimate and creative we are, and the closer and safer we both feel, a true power couple.
In the below video I share an example of a fight my girlfriend and I got into and how we used a repair practice to reconnect:
https://vimeo.com/1052058142
This post is part of the Tools for Life Course and the Relationship Skills page.
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I grew up hearing the old, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." As a kid I would rather have my dad yell at me or lecture me than to hit me. Now as an adult I almost feel the opposite. In martial arts class we did an exercise where we tried to trigger or neg or name call each other, simulating a bully on the street. I couldn't do it, it was harder to say nasty things to someone than to try and choke them to death or break their leg.
As someone born and raised in an urban and suburban environment it's easy and normal to be disconnected from nature and the elements. Lots of climate controlled buildings surrounded by concrete and asphalt, and the "wild" spaces are often parks with rules and curfews. When I lived 50 feet from the bay I would go outside every sunset in the winter and wonder how the wild birds and animals could stand the cold? And yet they did and seemed perfectly fine and comfortable in both air and water that is below 50F. When I was kid we went surfing in 50F water in just a short spring suit or boardshorts, my son and his friends regularly wear just T-shirts or even shorts in the winter while I am wearing a hooded down parka. I know a couple of surfers around 50 years old, one wears just shorts and the other shorts and a thin neoprene vest, in winter, and they tell me they are not cold. My introduction to this seeming madness was a Wim Hof workshop on Treasure Island.
Growing up I believed there were only a few acceptable feelings: happy, rage, and sadness if someone died. Any other feelings, like say anxiety, was a sign I was broken or a "basket case". Also I could only call in sick to school or work if I was bedridden with flu symptoms or injured and couldn't walk. No one ever explained thoughts to me, and I had no concept that I am not my thoughts. Richard Branson said business opportunities are like buses, there will always be another one coming. Thoughts are like this, so we can let one we don't like go and wait for another thought to come along shortly. Or some folks say thoughts stop altogether, and they just be in peace and bliss. I have experienced this for about half a day and it was magical, one of the most incredible afternoon into evenings I have ever experienced. Colors and textures and all of San Francisco were beautiful and incredible, so enjoyable and peaceful and amazing.
