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This chapter is going to challenge a lot of what people believe.
I’m not asking you to blindly agree with me. I’m asking you to look for yourself.
There are many examples throughout history where symptoms were real—but the explanation was wrong. Scurvy, beriberi, pellagra, Minamata… all cases where people blamed the wrong cause before eventually discovering something entirely different.
Symptoms are real.
But the story about what causes them? That’s where I began to question everything...
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The way I do this is simple: I make two lists...The first list matters because it reminds me that the relationship was not a total waste...The second list is...That’s where I mine the gold...The point is to learn from it, so I’m more likely to create the outcome I want next time—and less likely to repeat what hurt me...
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My mentor reminded me right away to put my attention, effort, and focus on my purpose—my mission.
In the past, he would say things like, “Up your spiritual practice.” But for me, purpose is the highest spiritual practice. Mission is spiritual practice. Calling is spiritual practice.
The reason it helps me—and the reason it’s helping me now—is this:
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My second marriage became deeply dysfunctional.
Day-to-day life was filled with disconnection, anger, and unmet needs. It felt toxic. Every day carried a sense of tension—like I never knew when the next conflict would erupt. Peace was rare.
Whenever a need came up—mine or hers—any attempt to express it would immediately turn into conflict. One of the last relationship counselors we saw described our dynamic perfectly: “continuous rebuttal.”
No matter what one of us said, the response was always: “Yeah, but…”
There was no listening. No reflection. No attempt to understand. Just immediate opposition.
There was no safety.
There were nights I slept on the couch—and even that didn’t feel safe. Eventually, I started sleeping in the garage, where I could lock the door. Sometimes I slept in my car.
That’s how bad it got.
By the end, I couldn’t wait to get out. I didn’t care where I went—I just knew I couldn’t spend another day in that environment.
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In two of my relationships, I experienced unwanted breakups. Both were devastating to my self-esteem, my sense of worth, and my feeling of being lovable.
All the stories came rushing in: I’m not good enough. I must not be lovable. Something must be wrong with me. I must be flawed, broken, damaged.
And when it happens more than once, those stories get louder.
Then you add in all the other relationships that didn’t work out—the ones where I “picked the wrong person,” or things just fell apart—and it all stacks together. On top of that, you layer childhood experiences, and suddenly it becomes a heavy, persistent internal dialogue.
I’m not good enough. No one could love me. No one would want this.
Sometimes those messages were even reinforced directly in relationships: “No woman could accept this.” “You’re not giving what a woman needs.” “You don’t have what it takes.”
Whether spoken outright or implied, it lands hard.
Because it’s not like I wasn’t trying. I was giving my best effort. And when your best effort still ends in rejection—sometimes painfully, even with betrayal—it cuts deep. It feels like a knife to the chest.
So the real question becomes...
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At first my editor refused to work with me on this chapter. Eventually they agreed to do 2 versions, the uncensored version is below:
